my daddy

you gave me life
and more love than i probably know.
you showed me how beautiful this world can be
through the work of your hands and your heart.
you suffered because of the darkness
and i understand only the shallowest depths of that pain.
you brought joy to my life
in moments of silliness and wonder.
you showed me how to be kind
to everyone, no matter their situation.
you taught me to learn
about only those things that make this world more beautiful.
you showed me the stars
but you gave me the universe,
and i only wish i could do the same for you.
you may not be here on earth anymore,
but you will always live in my heart.
you will always be with me.
i will always love you more than you probably know.
i will become a better person because of you.
i hope i can touch the life of someone as you have touched mine.
i love you, daddy. i love you. i love you. i love you.

the darkest pain

torn, ripped to shreds
dreams, hopes, desires
burned by the fires of hell
consumed and turned to ashes
never to be dreamed again.
an empty vessel
battered, bruised, shamelessly broken
by others and
she, alone, suffers
weak from being consumed.
forgotten
except for when they need her.
she cries, but no one hears
and her tears dry on her forlorn face.
tears that wet the ash
of her yesterdays and tomorrows.
she becomes silent
awaiting the arrival
of her phoenix.

gradually

swimming.
i feel tired
from all the work
of swimming
holding my head high
refusing to sink below the surface
where demons dwell.

water
turning to ice
harder and harder
i fight
to keep myself up
it would be easy
to sink below.

numbness
begins to set in
but still i swim
still i fight
keeping my head high
and gradually
i begin to feel again.

insignificant

feeling small
i tap my foot,
just to be sure i'm here
but wishing i wasn't...
ignored and overlooked
seen but unknown
written off
and underestimated
over and over again.
wishing someone could see
that an invisible shell
makes me vulnerable...
sensitive
and cold.
insignificant
and less than,
always out of place
criticized and corrected
i stand in the dark
the only sign of life
is the tap
of my own foot...
and i wish it would
stop.

how is it only tuesday?

the minutes, they crawl
the slowest caterpillars of time
eyes gazing over
the heart begins to slow
breath of the deepest depths
cicadian rhythms in reverse
each sound a gradual buildup
and sluggish descention
waiting, the soul longs for completion
with the setting of the sun

because i need to...

sometimes it seems that my thoughts are totally disconnected from anything. they swirl and they twist until they mean nothing... all original meaning or intention is lost. perhaps it's because i think too much. that's what people tell me. i analyze everything so much that i lose the ability to just enjoy life. maybe it's true.

i have been thinking a lot lately about the fact that i've always been told i was "mild" tempered. never do i start fights, nor do i say disagreeable things to others. the irony in that is that i've been waging a consant battle with myself since i can remember. all anger stays deep down inside of me, tearing up my insides, yet leaving a smile on my face. i think of myself as being a vessel; inside of me lives a roaring lion that will one day break free. unfortunately, i know that this will leave my body broken and eternally bruised. so i've decided it is time for me to build a window for the lion. she needs air; she needs to be allowed to roar aloud every now and then.

here's a poem i wrote about my lion.

a lion roaring
fighting the cage that binds
her longer for freedom
builds strength.
one day, she will break free
an outpouring of anger
the gentle quiet of relief
the cage torn and broken
left behind to gather dust
and she will run
to where the sun shines
she will warm her back
beneath the warm blanket
of the sun.